Chapter 5 : Annie's Prayer

Chapter 5 : Annie's Prayer

Scene 9 : Regrets and remorse

I don't know what happened, honestly.

I don't know what took me when I kissed Cassie on the cheek to make her lose the race, what took me when we started tickling each other so damn hard we were laughing like never before, when I asked her if I could kiss her, when I finally did, when I felt her lips pressing against mine, and I'm not even gonna like, she kissed back.

She kissed back.

Does that mean that she wants to go back with me ? Or was it just a natural reaction, like a hormonal thing where you get aroused because you're kissing someone ?

I don't even know. But since the kiss, we haven't talked about it, so maybe it wasn't a good idea after all.

On the one hand, I really enjoyed the kiss, not gonna lie ; how it felt, the chapstick she used after lunch and brushing our teeth ; how smooth and delicate her lips were against mine, and how I wish this feeling would never end.

But at the same time, I can't help but feeling a little bit ashamed of what I've done. I mean, maybe she just accepted it to please me, because she didn't know what to do, because she thought that the kiss would make me happy, or just because she believed that it would turn things better than before, since the accident, and I feel like it was pity sex – not really sex, but something along those lines – and she knows, oh God she knows that I probably won't stop there and I'll be right there, biting my lips, asking for more.

Like a junkie addicted to their drugs and who can't even spend an entire day without their dose, I'm finding myself in front of the bathroom's mirror, looking at myself, wow, what a junkie, and I can't help but thinking, I'm so dirty, I'm so dirty, please God erase what just happened from my mind, because I can't face the shame.

We only find ourselves in front of each other for dinner, and I catch myself way too many times staring at her, and I'm thinking, what an irony, that a few years ago, she was the one asking me if us being together was right, and now, I am the one asking myself if this is actually right.

I'm not talking about the fact that we're both women, very in love with each other, there no denial in that ; my gay identity has been accepted for years now and I'm pretty sure that Cassie feels the same ; however, Cassie just went through an accident, and I can't be that selfish and just ask her to go out with me again.

Trust can't be bought or taken easily ; it must be given freely, with consent, and it takes times to be given to someone like that. And maybe, even if Cassie actually liked the kiss, I should back up and re-think about what I've done and consider her feelings once again.

And I'm scared, I'm so scared, I don't even know what to do, I mean, maybe she's scared, too, and she doesn't want to tell me. And now, I can't help but feeling the other day, when we were at the coffeeshop, I was thinking that after all, I could just be selfish as fuck and just force her into our relationship, despite all the break-up we've been through, despite the fact that she might remember why one day, and wake up next to me, and realise that I've been as shitty as her when I left Glendam, telling her that after all, if she wasn't leaving, it was just because she was « a piece of shit on my way to success that I don't need anymore ».

I can't be the angel, and her, the demon, in this story. Nothing is written in black or white ; everything is said in various tones of grey, and right now, we're just in the middle, sharing our fair trade of rights and wrongs, but now, she's forgotten all of them, and I'm just here, sitting with my anxiety, my worries, my fears, and it looks like I'm a madwoman in a place that wasn't designed for me. Just like a patient in a mental hospital, still unaware of their situation, still believing they're somewhere else, their head filled with illusions that will only come crushed one day.

I'm living with this constant paranoïa, the fights we had when we broke up. I still bear the scars, whether physical or emotional, of our various encounters, but she doesn't. She doesn't have to go through all these memories, and this is only fair, because after all, she deserves this redemption more than I do. I don't deserve any redemption, after all, I was the one who ran away.

« You can't do this to me ! Not after all we've been through ! You know I would be totally unable to live without you !

• Me neither, Cassie, I had replied one week before we had parted, but remember what you've said a couple of weeks ago ? You were happy for me. At the very least, one of us is winning, at this game, you had said. Time to make it up to your words. Besides, it's your fault if you failed your finals where I managed to pass them.
• And here you go again ! It wasn't enough of you leaving me behind because of our different grades, and now, you're reminding of my failure constantly ! As if I could change something about it now !
• Don't shit on my success because you've failed, please, I had pleaded, putting my hands on her shoulders for assertiveness. If you failed, you failed, and there's nothing I can do about it. Just live up to it and enjoy your shitty life here. Goodbye. »

We hadn't talked during the next week.

I mean, it's pretty obvious, right ? You're not gonna go back that easily to someone just in the end of an argument... And during the next days, I had pretended to hate her, so when I leave her, it would be less painful for the both of us... I would look at her, disdain filling up my eyes, and I wished, seriously wished, that I could have done something so she could leave with me and live with me in Detroit.

I was basically doing everything that was ever possible to break her heart so I wouldn't have to break mine once I would have left her for good. And I let her down, I know. During the next couple of weeks, months, and then years, before our break-up, I would constantly remind her with snarky remarks about how I had succeded and she had failed, even if she was actually doing something she enjoys, despite it not paying the bills, while I was doing something I hate, while still starving myself in order to save money for her, because the guilt was too damn big for my shoulders.

In the end, I'm still a coward because I can't tell her the truth, and I feel guilty because of the supposed manipulation of her feelings towards me to get her back with me, even if she probably wouldn't accept it if she had all of her memories back. After all, if she knew what I had done, she would probably break up with me again, and this time, never come again.

I feel like a dirty cheat, a dirty liar who's using, and abusing, of a situation where she's still weak and remissing, where she's learning her craft again, and she's telling me that actually, she still likes her job, and she can't wait to sell more things again, so I use my social media links to promote her work, with full credits and her permission, of course, because in the end, I've always wanted her to succeed more than me.

« Thanks for the promo, she quickly says while looking at the stuff I've talked about in my circle of supposed friends from work and everywhere else. It's really helpful, you know, to see you supporting me... and I can't be grateful enough...

• It's nothing, really, I quickly answer. You're still my friend, after all, and you really deserve that promo. I know how difficult it is to get noticed in the art field, so... I just wanted to help you out. »

And there she smiles again, and she's happy, and she probably believes I'm happy too, but I'm definitely not, and there's nothing else to say, in the end. I end up talking about it with Martha as once again, we're preparing dinner, and she's kinda surprised by my confession.

« I thought you were going back together, she said while checking the pasta. It's really sad that you don't seem to move on from your past altercations, unlike her...

• I'm trying to do it, Martha, but you know, it's not that easy to go on like this... I'll probably forever stained by these memories that she forgot... and I don't know what to do with them...
• You should try to let them slide, Annie, she retorts. Don't you think that it's equally hard for me and Jack to let go of these memories too... I mean, we've been there, in the middle of your fights, and we managed to move on from them. I know this will be much harder for you to do the same, but you should probably do it... Cassie would be much happier if you did it... for her, can you try, at the very least ? »

And very luckily, my ex-girlfriend arrives at this exact moment, as we're serving dinner, and we sit in front of each other, as usual, as we're served the pasta alla marinara made by Martha. In the end of the meal, Martha quickly makes a move in Jack's direction, and he understands that he should leave the room to let me explain my fears to Cassie.

I think, I'm very glad to have such amazing and understanding parents-in-law (parents-in-law ? Wow, Annie, slow down, you're not married to Cassie !) *maybe not yet ?*

« Mom said you wanted to talk, Annie... Is there something wrong that you'd like to talk about ?

• It's just... I need to vent all my emotions, so here we go. I didn't know what took me when I kissed you... I felt like we were in a relationship again, and I just was craving... well, you. I had forgotten, just for a moment, that we had broken up...
• I don't remember that, I don't think this is relevent, she answers, interrupting me in the process. Besides, I told you that I was willing to go back in a relationship with you... What are you afraid of ? I don't understand.
• I mean... aren't you afraid of me using your feelings for my personal gain ? After all the shitty things I've done...
• I don't remember that either... I just need some time to rebuild our relationship, but other than that, I don't... I don't hate you, do you understand ? »

She cuts the conversation, taking me in her arms, stroking my hair gently. I leave some tears on her jumper, but she doesn't seem to mind. She takes me back to the couch, and tucks me into bed, whispering good night before leaving, telling me that when I'm ready, I can sleep in her bed anytime. I'm not sure if I'm actually ready, but at the very least, it's reassuring to know this fact, as I end up falling asleep, and for the first time, the situation seems to be a little bit clearer, and hope starts going in my heart again. And in my dreams, during that first night of peace, I'm thinking about brighter tomorrow filled with her presence, and her smile, and everything that goes with it.

Maybe we were meant to be, after all.

Words : 2033 (Total : 19450).

Scene 10 : The suicide attempt

However, this feeling of bliss, serenity and calm that I've experienced during the last night doesn't last very long.

Maybe I wasn't meant to be happy after all.

When I thought Cassie's situation was finally over and she was ready to go back to work, letting me also go back to work, when I thought everything would be alright, when she was whispering in my ear, on the sofa, that it was perfectly alright, that she was okay, that nothing could happen to her now, that all of this was over, that there would be no problems anymore...

When I thought I would never be hurt again...

The phone rang. Not Martha's phone, not Jack's phone, my phone, which rings odd, because usually, when someone has a problem or one of their problems has been discovered, you call the family... not the awkward ex-girlfriend yelling and pacing down the corridor, mumbling something about how unfair the world is to her and the woman she still loves.

It was Patricia. Wow, that bitch still wants to talk to me ? What for ?

I don't understand. Maybe I shouldn't diss her because she had been the one escorting me off the room where a Cassie, still in shock from her accident, wanted me to leave ; after all, Cassie's told me how nice she had been and shit, so maybe I should actually listen to what she has to say or whatever.

I take my phone, letting it ring, not knowing if I'm actually gonna answer, and the ringing echoes in the entire living room, to the point where Cassie comes in and stares at me for a few seconds, before she notices me, in the dark, the phone in my hand, not even sure if I want to hear the news about her.

« You should answer, maybe it's important. », she says, before going back to the kitchen to make us dinner, as her parents are out tonight.

I end up picking up the phone, listening to the nurse who's taken care of Cassie, my Cassie, while she was remissing from her injuries. The first thing she says is sorry if I'm bothering you, but I have some news. It's very relevant to Cassie's mental health, and I thought you should know.

I don't even say a word while she explains me what actually caused her accident.

« Let's say... she tried to commit suicide, miss Thompson. I'm not lying. The police have done an investigation on the case. They found out that she didn't even tried to slow down when she hit the tree. Actually, the car was speeding towards the tree...

They tried to contact your parents, but they didn't have their phone numbers, and yours neither, so they called here, in the hospital, so we could give you the message. I didn't have miss Miller's parents on the phone... so I'm pretty glad that I got you, at the very least.

I thought you should know about this, miss Thompson. Miss Miller seems to be depressed, and she might try to commit suicide again... so if you're about to leave, I wouldn't advise it. It's for her better, trust me. Miss Thompson ? »

And all of a sudden, it seems that I can't breathe anymore.

Oh God my Cassie my Cassie my Cassie tried to commit suicide it's all my fault what did I do why is she like this why is she depressed is she trying to get back with me to tell me something I don't understand why did she try to commit suicide it's impossible she can't do that why did she do this I don't get it oh my God please someone send me an explanation because I can't seem to find one.

The phone drips out of my hands, and for a few seconds, I let it there, unable to move, unable to react, unable to answer to Patricia's voice on the other side of the line, and time seems to be freezing.

It's only when I'm able to regain my composure that I end up taking the phone again.

« Yes, I understand, I quickly say as I try to shorten our conversation as much as possible. I'll be keeping her safe, don't worry...

• I'm glad she has a supporting family and such an amazing ex-girlfriend... not many exes would do that, in my opinion. It's very strong of you to stay with a depressed person while they get better. I can only wish you the best. Have a nice evening and my apologies for the late call, once again. »

I look at my phone, glancing at the phonescreen – it's a picture of Cassie, holding up the sign I still love you, taken on one of the swings in our playground, at night, a couple of days after our break-up. Was it a Christmas picture ? I think so, but I don't seem to remember. It feels like my brain is trying to cut out the bad parts too, but I don't want these to go, because it would feel like cheating at a game where we don't even have the rules to play.

« Who was it ? Cassie calls in, taking our dinner – Chinese take-out, we're really lazy when it comes to cooking – before sitting down next to me

• No one, I vaguely answer, lying as usual, just Patricia who wanted to have some of your news. I told you how good you had been recently and she's happy for us.
• You look like you're about to cry though. » Cassie knows. She can feel when I'm not alright, and my red eyes only seem to confirm her thoughts. « Are you okay, Annie ?
• Not really. I'm just a little bit worried, I guess... I just want to know if you are alright, that's all. Promise me ?
• Promise. », she had said, smiling and staring into my eyes confidently.

And once again, I've been proven to be a dirty liar.

A coward and a liar.

A coward and a liar and a sinner.

There's nothing in this place for me, I guess.

I don't even know how I'm feeling at this moment ; other than the words she probably committed suicide because of me because of me because of me it's all my fault it's all my fault it's all my fault I've created this I've turned what used be such a good person into a breakeable shell of nothingness and I'm the only one at fault here.

Even if she doesn't remember this, this depression, I'm not talking about the memories, but about the feelings, about how she shouldn't try to get back with me, since all I'm gonna do is leave her, again, and break her heart, again, and repeat the same things, again. It looks like we're eighteen again, ending our high-school years, hoping that it's still working, when really, it isn't.

It has never been since we broke up.

During the next few days, Cassie tries to pamper me, with a lot of cuddling and comfort food, and I'm not saying anything ; I try not to tell the Millers, but their questions are incessant, so I end up taking them to the kitchen while she's changing to her clothes for the day, and I explain to them the call I had recieved from Patricia the other night, the night that changed everything.

« It's not your fault, Annie, you shouldn't put yourself in the position of the guilty person when you're obviously not... Martha had answered.

• She still has tried to commit suicide, Martha ! It's not like, a little bump on the road ! She sped on that tree ! She could have died ! And it's all my fault, you all know it. I've made you all sad and I don't even feel like I belong in this family anymore.
• You do, even if you think you don't. », Jack had promptly replied. « Don't ever feel like you're not a part of this family. You've been with us all this time and you believe that this little accident, this little accident, would change anything in this matter ? No, because we still love you, and you tend to hate yourself over nothing, really. Just relax... you know that everything's gonna be okay, right ? »

In the end, it felt like I was the person people cared about and supported, instead of Cassie, which felt weird at first. But then, I realised how much I actually needed this, and having the Millers on my side to keep reassuring me that my feelings were right was very appreciated. But still, I felt like an alienated person in a mental hospital, and I ended up imagining what went through Cassie's head when she had her accident.

Was she thinking about me while speeding up towards that tree, wanting her life to end suddenly, without pain ? Was she crying all of the tears in her body, trying to regain her composure ? Did she think about her own funeral, about how we would react to her death, and if we would miss her ? Was she feeling over-whelmed, or in the opposite, completely calm, with a clear objective ? Did she try to call me before the crash to tell me she was sorry ? Did she try to contact anyone for that matter ?

I also imagined the hours, the minutes, the seconds before the accident. Had she premedited her action or was it completely random ? I don't even know. Heck, even Cassie herself doesn't know. I guess we'll never know the truth, that this mystery will remain unsolved, and that we'll never get around it.

In the end, I woke up in the middle of the night, still on the couch that I started to hate so much, limbs tangled under the sheets, sweat all across my body. You guessed it : I was, at that moment, the exact opposite of hot, or even cute ; I was a woman taken by horror, feeling like she just died in that exact same accident that almost killed Cassie. I had actually imagined, in my dream, or should I say nightmare, what the accident looked like in reality. And only then did I realise the meaning of Patricia's words, earlier during the day.

You should take real care of her, miss Thompson... Amnesia doesn't erase depression. They are two very different things, as it's been proven by scientific studies that a depressed brain doesn't work as « well », let's say... than a non-depressed one. I really hope you understand, and have a nice evening. Goodbye.

Remembering that I could sneak in her bed at any given time, and sleep with her, I started going along the corridor, like a sleep-walker. I carefully opened the door, making sure that I didn't make a sound, before climbing on the bed, under the sheets. Cassie seems asleep, and I can barely see her back from where I am now.

« Cassie ? Are you awake ? I whisper while tapping her shoulder.

• What ? No, not anymore... », she answers, and I mentally curse myself repeatedly because I've woken her up. But I guess that I can't sleep alone, so that will do. « What's wrong, Annie ? You look very shaky...
• I had a nightmare, that's all. Can I sleep here for the rest of the night though ?
• Sure, come here... Hey, Annie. », she concludes while running her hand through my hair. « You're not at fault for anything here. It was an accident, remember ? Don't worry for me, I'm fine... Just stay here and try to sleep, okay ? »

I end up falling asleep while cuddling with her, as usual, her being big spoon and me being the little one, and only when I'm sure she's a hundred percent alright, I close my eyes and drift away until the next morning.

And the last thought that comes across my head is that Cassie didn't have an accident. She tried to kill herself. And I believe she deserves to know that.

2050 words (Total : 21500).