Chapter 1 : I'm Not Going Back

Chapter 1 : I'm Not Going Back

Scene 1 : The Longest Road Trip Ever

During the trip from Detroit, where I work, to Glendam, a little village next to the lake, I don't seem to think straight.

It feels so unreal, this road, that I used to take so often to visit the Millers, at the beginning of my studies at law university ; my parents, as soon as I had moved out in a crampy dorm with a few people I had the audacity to call my friends, had moved to sunny California, leaving me with the cold and the humidity and the untamed weather of this state.

I guess they aren't wrong, I mean, I would do the same any day if I could.

And now, it's been a little bit more than a year since I've last seen them (was it for Christmas ? For New Year's ? For another unsignificant holiday carefully chosen to be paid by the bank to lose as less as possible while maintaining the employees' satisfaction to a comfortable C ?), and I don't even know how they will welcome me.

I mean, they're like a second family to me, especially thanks to my relationship with Cassie, aka Cassandra the fortune-teller, as she was always trying to picture the perfect future for you given your hobbies and your personality.

Cassie is, in my opinion, a ball of sunshine. She won't admit it ; she'll retort and compare her dark, messy, curly hair to my long, straight, ginger hair, and her brown, dark eyes to my blue, bright ones. But she isn't that bad, in the end ; she's a little contrast in my life of white and pink, and she's the black and blue.

The fog has appeared again and the night isn't helping either. The only lights guiding me are those from my own car, and it looks like I'll have to change them soon as they start to flicker in the middle of the trip. I wish I could go faster, but I don't want to have a car accident, I guess.

Oh God, what did I just say ? Not have a car accident ? When Cassie just got into one ? What a coincidence, right, Annie ? Stupid little you.

I arrive a couple of hours later in front of a wooden sign, saying Glendam, Michigan, 579 inhabitants. Nothing else is written on that board because, well, there's nothing to say. There are just huge buildings made of concrete, the stinking fumes of the now closed factories, the red bricks that I couldn't stand as a kid and that only reminded me of those old western movies where the villains ended up in jail because they had gotten arrested by the good, good cops.

What a fucking irony that a person who was born into this managed to get out of this when you know the unemployment rate of this village anwyays.

I arrive in a parking lot that I recognize to be the Millers' ; well, I should correct myself and say that it's just the building where they live, but to me, it has another meaning, as I used to play here with Cassie when we were kids. Actually, our families were living in the same building, just not on the same floor ; we had talkie-walkies before we could get our phones and used to make an awful lot of noise talking to each other until the dead end of the night.

Sometimes, when it wasn't cold, we could go on our balconies and try to avoid our parents getting woken up by our conversations ; but most of the time, it was freezing anyways, so we would do it from under our blankets, and most of the time, we would get our talkie-walkies removed from us until the next day, but not any more, because our parents were cool enough to understand that being punished this way would be cruel and unfair to us given the situation we were into.

« Hello, Annie. », a voice says behind my back before I can even press the button to call the Millers who are on the last floor. « Already here ?

• Yes, Jack, it's just that... I couldn't wait anymore... I just want to see if she's alright, I answer with a little voice. But... I guess it's a little bit late now...
• We'll go to see her tomorrow anyways, he explains while he keeps smoking a cigarette. You want one ?
• No, thanks, I'm good... So, what happened ? How bad are the injuries, for now ?
• Still critical, she's in the coma, but she's been stabilised now, which is good news, he replies while finishing his cigarette. What about you ? You shouldn't have come now, you could have gotten... you know what I mean. The weather is so damn awful here anyways. »

I sit next to him on the bench where he is, and start talking about my job, about how I left university six months ago with my master's degree in financial law, how I was immediately taken by this bank I still work for now, and how stressful my job was. Just like Linda earlier today, he patted my back and wished I could find a job where I would be happier.

And in return, I just re-used the same excuse I do everyday to justify my situation and me having a job I actually hate. The unpaid deed.

« You know, I'm pretty sure she forgot about it now, he scoffs while we're going back inside the building. People don't hold grudges for that long !

• You don't know her, Jack, not as much as I do... Anyways. I came early to see if you were doing good. You know, with what's happening right now...
• Thank you for your support, Annie, but it could have waited until tomorrow morning, I mean, the situation won't change in a second. The hospital has now closed its visits until the next morning, so you didn't have to worry.
• It's just courtesy, Jack, no need to worry... What about Martha ? Is she okay ?
• Oh, you know... She was the first one to recieve the news. She's brave, you know ; she had to call all of us, especially me, because I had forgotten my phone at home. » He starts to chuckle, but I know it's just a stress reliever, not a genuine happy emotion. « Anyways, she's gone to sleep at eight, so she must be sleeping by now. I guess I'll have to take the couch tonight, since she always locks the door behind her. You can take Cassie's bed for now, if you so wish. You need some help with your luggage ?
• No, thanks, I answer while taking it in the elevator. I just took the strict necessary, though ; I don't even know how long I'll stay here, but I guess I'll have to take my holidays now...
• Good luck for you that it's a Friday, right ? », Jack tries to jock, but he doesn't seem to have the mood for it. Too bad, he's usually very funny, when he's happy.

As we are walking towards the apartment, trying to make as little noise as possible – as it's already eleven in the evening and everyone's probably already asleep – I'm looking at the corridors I used to walk through to see Cassie when I was a kid.

Nothing seems to have changed, from the cracked painting threatening to fall on our faces to the holes in the walls. And this stinking odor of excrements all over the place. I guess the old lady's little dog who poops everywhere isn't dead after all. Not yet.

As I seem to distract myself with memories of my childhood, Jack opens the door, and lights up the room. It seems much darker than I thought ; obviously, my memories of this place are all related to Cassie, so it's a little bit hard, after the relationship we've had together, to make the distinction between her and this place.

I immediately know where to turn right to end up in the corridor, and not end up like that time when I arrived in the bathroom, with Martha on the loo, yelling at me to close the goddamn door ! before throwing the toilet paper she had in her hand at me. I arrive in Cassie's bedroom, put the luggage in a corner, and sit on the bed, tapping the sheets that haven't seemed to be changed since the last time I saw her.

« Well, this is awkward. This is the place where I lost my virginity, I tell Jack, trying to make a joke, but he doesn't seem to get it.

• We all remember that correctly, Annie, he just answers sleepily. Anyways. Make yourself home. We'll wake up at seven or eight, depending on how exhausted we are, and we'll go to the hospital as soon as possible. Is it okay for you ?
• No problem, I mean, it's fine for me...
• Alright, then, see you tomorrow. », he concludes, before the door is closed on me.

I look up at the window, looking for the blinds to be shut, before I take my pyjamas and put them on me, slipping under the sheets. It feels a little bit weird, because usually, when I sleep here, Cassie's also here, with me, in bed. It's a tradition between us that no one gets to sleep before the other, a strange one, but it is one indeed. But at the same time, we haven't slept together in a while now, so I guess I don't even know anymore.

I end up on only one side of the bed, like old times, when we were just two innocent teenagers, blissfully unaware of the world around us, when we were playing on the playground and our parents only called us back for dinner at the end of the day. Sometimes, we would sneak up – or at the very least try – in the other person's apartment, only to be discovered by our parents the morning after, either by the presence of two girls in one bed or the absence of their daughter on the other side of the building. But they never yelled at us for it ; after all, we were in the same building with people we knew and trusted, so there wasn't a big deal.

Actually, they thought it was rather cute, to have a little bit of companionship and joy in this town that seemed as doomed as hell itself. « It's still better, they used to say, than staying all alone and sad. We're glad you found each other where usually, people are lonely and hopeless anways. »

Even today, I still remember these words. We were ignorant, in a good way of course. We didn't know that two girls loving each other was unnatural to many. We never understood why many couples were between a girl and a boy. We never understood the hatred we recieved when we came out to others around us. We felt natural, after all.

But the most important of all, is that we didn't know how hard it would be to leave this doomed town of Glendam. I did it. She didn't. And I guess that, in the end, it's the debt I owe her now, because I feel like cheating by having a better lifestyle than her when she deserved it, if not more, as much as me.

And as I take my most precious photo of Cassie and I (our first kiss, at Disney World in Florida, when we were fourteen, wow, how cringey and cheesy), I remember, that if I'm trying to save as much money as possible, it's for her. I got out of this town. She didn't. And now, I'm making sure she'll leave Glendam, with me, and maybe, we'll be in a relationship again, we'll be in love again, everything will be like before. Or so I hope.

It's a little bit weird, after all, to base all your hopes on just a little bit of money and an undecised plan, and a gloomy future. But that's all I have now.

That's all I have now.

2063 words (Total : 3121).

Scene 2 : Memory Loss

I don't even know how I fell asleep, but Martha cleaning the house woke me up suddenly. It took me a few minutes of uncomprehension and deliberation before I realised I wasn't in Detroit, that I was really in Glendam, in Cassie's bed, and that I really arrived here the day before. Even when I open the blinds, I can see my car in the parking lot. If I look a little bit beyond that, I can even see the playground, our playground should I say, and then, another building, strictly identical as the one where the Millers live and my family used to live.

Oh God, I must be so tired. If Cassie saw me like this, she would tell me to go back home immediately and have some rest.

The problem is, the Cassie I'm portraying in my mind doesn't exist anymore ; after I left Glendam to go and study law in Detroit, she stayed here, in a community college, where she studied art. Just like me, she has a diploma (it's even pinned on the wall, which shows how much she values it), but... let's say that for the working market, it's a little bit less valuable.

We tried to stay in contact, but Cassie's jealousy towards me having « the luxury life » while she was barely paying her own food and had to give all her money to Martha to keep living in her apartment because they both knew she couldn't affort an apartment on her own started to take me down. I wanted to save enough money to move out with her, and I even proposed her to move out with me, but my apartment is too small for two people anyways. I sleep on a couch between a sink, a shower and an old retro television I don't even use anyways.

When I said I save as much money as I could, I wasn't lying. And this diet of canned food barely heaten up on an electric plaque is wearing thin on me now.

We ended our relationship on the phone, four days before Christmas, yelling and crying. The surprise I wanted for her, a new life in a new apartment, a new job for her (and God knows I've tried to find her a job while studying law, I was on Google instead of actually paying attention to the course) had faded away.

I didn't give up, but we called this a break, and we stayed friends ; we were just more distant than before, I would be sleeping on the couch, and we wouldn't be as affectionate as before. I was already stressed out because of studies I hated, now I'm stuck with a job I hate, and now, I was stressed out and afraid of losing her. I didn't want to ; she had been the only person I ever loved in my life and no one, no one would be able to replace her in my life.

After all, we had grown up together, our parents put us together since day one, we spent all of our time together and they were always talking to the principals of our schools so we would be in the same classes all the time.

It was hard, really hard, on both of us, to stop those morning kisses, those cuddles in bed as we would be watching some weird anime, those little gifts who reminded us how much we loved each other. The proximity had disappeared, and we were left with nothing but empty hearts and teary eyes. We started seeing each other less, and in the end, we stopped talking altogether.

And I don't know how I'll feel when I see her again, in her hospital bed. What will she tell me ? I'll probably just give her some flowers if I have the time to pass by the flower shop that's on Ormond Street (please pray they still exist and are selling flowers that look at the very least half-decent) and wish her good luck on her remission. As usual, she won't say a word, as always, she doesn't talk much anyways.

« We're leaving ! You ready, Annie ? » A voice calls me down the corridor. « Are you going with us ?

• Sure, yeah, I'm just getting my shoes and we're off, I answer while stumbling across the place with my pair of boots. But... can we go to the flower shop before ? You know, the one downtown ? I'm pretty sure it's on the way to the hospital anyways... and I wanted to get some flowers, you know... for Cassie ?
• No problem, we were about to ask you the same question anyways, he replies while taking his coat off. After that, maybe we'll order a pizza ? I don't feel like cooking anyways. »

In the Millers household, everything was shared, especially the chores. Since Martha had cleaned the house this morning, it would be Jack's turn to do something in return, in this case, to cook. But I guess he wants to play his Joker card today. It's not like his daughter is dying in a hospital or anything.

We go see the florist on Ormond Street, we explain to him our situation. He gives us his hopes for her remission as we pay the flowers we bought, before leaving. During the car trip, I call my boss, hoping he won't mind a Saturday morning call, to tell him I'm taking my holidays and I won't be at the office until further notice. He seems to understand why I'm doing this, but it still seems a bother to him. I guess these people will never be satisfied anyways.

We arrive at the hospital around ten in the morning, the nurse welcoming us the best way she could. She explained us the various injuries Cassie was having and also warned us of the potential consequences of having multiple bone fractures, not only in the limbs but also on the skull.

« Basically, she concluded before opening her room's door, even if she survives, be prepared to the worst. I'm not joking. »

Even there, I was still hoping she was joking.

She wasn't.

Bandages were all around her face, neck and upper body ; her legs, failing in those very uncomfortable hospital panties where you could see the patient's genitalia if you swipped them around ; hopefully for Cassie, they had allowed her underwear, mostly to avoid Martha's fury and her stance against patients being put to ridicule everytime they go to the hospital.

Even her eyes, her deep and rich brown eyes, were hidden by bandages, and she was barely breathing through an artifical machine that would fill and empty her lungs for her.

Basically, she was just a life on a thin, thin line.

She didn't wake up on that day, nor during the following week ; I was recieving calls everyday from my boss – and I'm pretty damn sure it's illegal to do it – asking me how it was going (more like, when are you going back to work ? I'm waiting, this office can't run without you), and how Cassie was doing. I just told him the truth. He didn't say anything. He doesn't seem to care.

Everyday, the Millers would go to the hospital. At the beginning, I really wanted to go with them, everytime ; but I guess that in the end, I didn't want to see my... well, my ex-girlfriend ? like that, in a hospital bed, just waiting for a miracle and her opening her eyes, being happy to see me, and everything going around, as if the last five years never happened.

I ended up not going with them because I couldn't do this anymore.

Cassie's parents understand me, I guess ; Martha gives me details about her daughter's remission, while Jack is preparing us meals ; they know about the supposed deed and the surprise I still want to give her. I guess that, in the end, they are the support I need when I'm feeling low, like a second family when mine is probably tanning somewhere hotter than this messy place.

Two weeks passed before we heard the good news from the hospital, telling us that Cassie was now out of the coma, and she was eating a little, and re-hydrating herself as much as she could. I ended up accepting the fact and hopped in the Millers' car, because I really needed to talk to Cassie. I couldn't keep up the lies anymore, that was all. If she asks me one more question about my life in Detroit, I'm pretty damn sure that I'll just burst out and explain everything I've done for the last five years in order to give her a better life than her current one, at the expense of my own.

« It's good, darling, I think it's time for both of you to go in good terms, Martha reassured me as we parked in front of the hospital.

• It's not just that, you know... it's the fact that we can't even look at each other without her wanting to punch me in the face or something.
• It's Cassie, you know her temperament... after all, you've been putting up with it since the day you were born. Anyways, no matter what happens, just stay strong, stay firm, stay assertive. That's all. »

We walked up the stairs, the nurse (her name was Patricia, but I had to check her badge, just to be sure) told us that she was still in shock, that she hadn't talked, and that maybe, her memory would be a little bit... blurry. If she still has memories, she said before leaving us. I mean, after what she's been through...

Even now, I don't believe her. She can't forget me like that, can she ?

« Cassandra, the nurse whispered at my... my ex-girlfriend's ear, your parents are here. Martha and Jack, do you remember them ?

• Not really... I mean, they look like me, for sure, but... other than that, no, she says while looking in the distance. What about this girl ? » She's pointing at me like a freak in a circus. « What the hell is this stranger doing here ?
• It's Annie Thompson, Martha explained, you know... she was your girlfriend before.
• Well, I don't remember her, so please escort her out. I don't want strangers in this room anymore. Just leave me with my parents, please.
• Wait ! I have some pictures, if you want some proof... », I start talking, but even before I finish my sentence, I'm harshly escorted outside by Patricia.

As soon as she leaves me in the middle of fucking nowhere, the nurse goes back to the room, just to close the door, before she takes back her shift all across the aisle. Going back and forth the corridor, I end up going downstairs, buy myself some extra-greasy comfort foods, and a coffee, before I sit in a corner bawling my eyes out.

What a fucking situation. Karma at me, I'd say... As soon as I want to explain myself about something, something else happens and prevents me from doing it.

In conclusion, what I have is : some holidays hardly paid and that I'm wasting right now instead of working, an amnesiac ex-girlfriend that hates me and doesn't know me anymore, the Millers (I have to talk to them), who will probably try to help us through it, and a truth I can't talk about because of this stupid little accident that happened out of nowhere.

Would you have told her if she didn't have this accident ?

Would you have told her if she had woken up, with all her memories, throwing her pillows at you and yelling at you that she never wants to see you again ?

And can you make her go back into the past if she doesn't remember it and doesn't have any sort of control on it right now ?

Can you tell her the truth if she doesn't even know what you're talking about ?

Of course you can't, you coward. You would have never done it anyways. You'll never do it now because her life will never be the same. Never is now your always, Annie. And you gotta accept it, once and for all.

2083 words (Total : 5204).