Chapter 4 : And The Future Is Scary

Chapter 4 : And The Future Is Scary

Scene 7 : I'm Scared

I don't know how it came, but when I woke up this morning, I was feeling a weird feeling.

The fear of never remembering who I was before the accident.

I know this seems to be heavily irrational, given that since my release from the hospital, I've managed to gather memories from my childhood, and I even started to know a little about Annie for the past few days. But it doesn't feel the same anymore.

Memories come back randomly, not in order. Like scattered pieces of my past self, trying to recollect a puzzle I don't even know the end of. Like a dream you do, but you're not asleep ; you're not awake either, though, and it feels like a story, re-invented by your mind and molded by what people have told you about you around you.

I don't know how to feel about it. But I'm scared, I'm so scared, of not being the same person I was before. What if, by inadvertance, I just re-committed the mistakes of before the accident, not knowing that I had made them since I don't even remember them ? What if the good never comes back and I'm doomed to repeat all the shitty things I've done ?

What if I hurt Annie again ?

I don't want her to cry ever again. I've looked up my type of amnesia online. This retrograde amnesia, apparently, that I have, has more chance of giving me the earliest memories of my childhood rather than the last moments, the few years, the few months, the few weeks, the few days, the few hours, the few minutes, the few seconds, before the accident, before my life was turned upside down, before all that I had created was just thrown out of the window, as it had never existed, as Annie had said herself before, and I'm terrified of not being in control of my life anymore, of letting it depend on others, on my family, on my ex-girlfriend...

I feel like I'm just a burden on everyone else's shoulders, and I shouldn't be, I should let them live their own lives, those lives they've put on hold, just for me, and not anyone else.

I mean, my parents haven't gone back to work since the accident. Annie herself hasn't gone back to work since the accident. And living all together in this apartment, is way too silent, no one dares to talk to the other people. It feels like a funeral made for the living.

For me.

Slowly, the peace is re-established between me and my ex-girlfriend, and we start talking again. She still doesn't allow me to touch her, but sometimes, she leaves her hand, so small, fitting perfectly in mine, that I wouldn't give up ever, and I hold it, and I whisper about how I wish things were different, that all the things that happened between us before the accident never happened, and now I imagine scenarios in my head, but they're never the best, they are always the worst, and I can't help it but thinking about the possibility of having hurt her physically.

I look up at the most recent photos between us, last year at Christmas, summer beaches, theme parks and morning pictures, but the smile on her face is so fake, my smile is fake too, happiness doesn't reflect on those pictures of us, and I'm seeing, sometimes, a faint bruise on her cheek, the red eyes that look like you're hungover, and it doesn't feel right, and I feel like a monster looking for redemption, with the exception that I don't know what I'm looking for, since I don't even remember it.

I keep saying sorry everytime our shoulders brush, and our fingers touch when reaching for the same object, and when she looks at me with the will of getting back with me, but something's holding her back, and I know it's me, and I know that she's the only person carrying the memories of us, and I'm not, she's weilding the burden I've been freed of, and it doesn't feel right, and I shouldn't have this priviledge she's not having, and I wish that nothing had ever happened, I just want to take everything back to the start, I want her to forget the wrong I've done and start things new.

But I know this will never happen, this is a wish that will never be granted, because it is impossible, and it has never been, and it will never be.

I'm now above the toilet, nausea filling up my stomach. I don't even know how much I've drunk tonight with all the wine and whiskey that my mom served us for diner, before and after. Annie has been here before me, but she didn't puke. I did. I clean the mess I've made and flush the toilet before leaving the bathroom and trying to splash water on my face to conceal what I've become.

As I'm about to leave the room, I feel a hand on my shoulder, and my instinct automatically tells me it's Annie. She just stays silent before opening her mouth, just saying :

« It's not your fault, Cassie, I'll say it again. Don't ever feel remorseful in any way. I was selfish. I was careless. I ran away and I didn't care about you or your feelings. I could have asked you to move in with me, but I didn't want you to see my misery, how shallow I had become while studying, how depressed I was, and I still am, because I missed you, and I still miss you. You haven't become a ghost because you lost your memories. As you said yourself, they'll come back, as they've already started to. I became a ghost because all I ever stood for was crushed when I left Glendam. I should be the one apologising for what I've done while leaving you here, in this shitty place, with no one to talk to. So, I'm gonna say it, I'm sorry, and I hope you understand my choices. You know I'll have to leave at the end of the week to go back to work, right ? Those bills aren't going to pay themselves... »

And once again, I feel like she's not doing it because she has to go to work and shit, but rather because she wants to run away, to run away from me, and I only think this is right, because if I were in her shoes, I would have run away a very long time ago.

I go back to my bed as Annie sleeps on the couch, a bottle of water and an aspirin on her side, and I'm only left to my loneliness, and the dark thinking sinking in. I'm thinking about how she doesn't let me touch her and then I think about a little bruise here and there on a picture taken during the last five years, after we left high-school, after we parted, and then, I quickly make the connection between those two facts, and I realise, that maybe, after all, I really have hurt her physically. When she said the other day that our break-up hadn't been easy, I had never realised that maybe, she was actually telling the truth.

When I fall asleep, my dreams come over-flowing with punches made on her pretty face, the blood drippling off her nose, and now, I'm confusing reality and fiction, my memories coming back with my vivid and dark imagination, and I'm thinking, I could have killed her, holy shit, and now, I understand why she just backs up and goes away from me a little bit everytime I'm too close to her. Everyone, after all, should have the same reaction in front of someone who's hurt them in the past.

She still talks to me and watches the television everyday with me, but it doesn't look like a proper conversation. I feel like she's just filling in the blanks, talking about the stuff that she likes instead of talking about herself and her current feelings. And honestly, I'm doing the same thing, because I don't want to be seen as a bother by her, and I don't want to fill her sorry head drowning in emotions and pain that I wish I could take away from her, if only she let me do it, and if she's not talking about her own emotions, she probably doesn't want me to talk about mine...

Are things goint to ever go back to normal after this accident ?

I don't know.

In the end, I wake up in the middle of the night, sweat dripping off my pyjamas, after a nightmare filled with horrors, Annie being hurt, Annie at the hospital, Annie dying because of me, and I don't know if it's real or not, and I'm hoping that it's really not, that she will always be alright, so I leave my bed, trying to be as silent as possible when I walk in front my parents' bedroom, when I open the door to the kitchen, and then the door to the fridge, to take a little fresh bottle of water I had put there yesterday evening (I'm checking the time and it's three in the morning, god dammit). I take a second one for me and I shift to the living room, only seeing the shadow and the little bump on the couch, where Annie sleeps, and I'm checking her breathing, to see if she's alright, because that honestly all I need to know.

« Are you awake ? I ask, hoping I'm not disturbing her.

• No... Can't sleep, she grumbles behind her sheets. 'S the third time I've been awoken by these bad dreams this night...
• I have a bottle of water, looks like you're hot, I quickly tell her before realising what I've just said, hoping she hasn't realised. « Cheers.
• Cheers. », Annie replies before gulping off her bottle, and I notice that she really needed it. Maybe I wasn't that stupid, after all, to check her health tonight. « What ? Are you going to stay here all night until I fall asleep ?
• Maybe, I answer, shifting a little bit towards her. Actually, I was thinking... if we don't seem to be able to sleep, maybe I could stay here a little ? On the couch, with you ?
• Mmmmh... whatever. », she says before letting me next to her, on this little space, not caring about having even less space than before.

And as I take the little spot on the border of the couch, the side that is the closest to the ground, she turns around and lets me put my arms around her waist, and it feels like before. I can feel her quick breathing slowing down with the touch of my hands, her movements calming down, before she closes her eyes and muttering a quick goodbye. And before I even realise it, she falls asleep, and I know it, this is right, even for a second, to think that maybe, we could get back together, given the time and the opportunity. That we obviously don't have at all.

But at the very least, I'm enjoying this little moment in the dead end of the night, and the demons populating my head seem to have shut the fuck up for once, and I'm left with silence, but it feels like bliss, like warm silence, when you have nothing to say, not because you're afraid, but because you are so linked you can communicate with words.

And maybe it feels like pity sex – minus the sex, we're too tired for that anyways – but what are you gonna say about it ? This moment is gold and I'll probably never enjoy it ever again, so I'm just enjoying the mere seconds I can have with her, hoping that she doesn't mind me staying over a little bit more than I had predicted.

2013 words (Total : 15405).

Scene 8 : Video-Games And Pancakes

I don't even remember falling asleep on the couch next to Annie, but suddenly, it's the morning, and the sun's shining on our faces, coming from the window right in front of us.

I grumble and open my eyes, only to realise that during the night, Annie had changed her position, and was now burying her head on my chest. When she hears my grumble, she just replies with her own grumble, and puts my arm on my ribs to make more shadow for her so she can avoid the sunlight, too. I just smile and don't add anything, because I don't want to stop this moment of pure bliss and ignorance.

« Ladies ! I've made you pancakes, do you want... some ? »

Ladies and gentlemen... and everyone in between... my mother.

Quickly noticing she probably shouldn't have walked on us with tangled limbs and bedhair and morning ruffles all over our pyjamas, she goes back to the kitchen, before coming back, in her hands, delicious, warm pancakes on a big plate, with two little ones so we can serve ourselves, two little spoons, and a bottle of maple syrup. She briefly tells us enjoy your meal ! before she leaves the living room, probably to give us some privacy and to tell my dad to do ths same.

« What did she want ?  Annie asks, tugging at my sleeve while still laying on the sofa.

• She just wanted to bring us some pancakes, do you want some ? »

She just nods in agreement and sits next to me, serving herself once I'm done, and we eat in silence. But quickly, we end up eating right from the big plate, dropping the maple syrup directly onto the pile of pancakes, just like children who can't wait to be served for eating.

We start a conversation on who was the scariest villain on Doctor Who ; I believe it's the Weeping Angels, she believes it's the Zygons. On the one hand, you have devilish statues who send you back in time, making you unable to see your loved ones ever again ; on the other hand, you have terrific shape-shifters who take the place of your loved ones and who lure you into going somewhere with them before killing you.

We then realise how we've chosen your scariest villains according to our current feelings ; me, feeling trapped in the past since I can't remember what happened to us recently ; her, feeling like I've been replaced by a horrible creature who will end up killing her. I wish I had the courage to tell her about this little observation I just had, but then, I remember that it's probably not the time to talk about negative feelings while we're just experiencing this little moment of bliss, and we finally agree that maybe, the scariest villain on Doctor Who is the Silence.

Because it's invisible, you don't remember it, you try to count them before you forget them, and then you do, and you don't understand why you have all these scars on your wrists, you don't know why you did them, where they come from. You turn your head, and here they are ; they are scary, and you keep counting, staring at them so you don't forget, but you want to look away , you want to forget, so you do, and then, you look at your wrists, and you ask yourself, again, where do the scars come from, and you don't know, and it starts, again and again, until they decide to end your torture, them slowly killing you, and they pull the trigger.

And there's nothing left behind that point.

As we keep eating our breakfast, we've already changed our topic of conversation, and we're now talking about our favourite ships on Doctor Who. We quickly say that Rose was a perfect match for the Doctor, there's no denying that ; although the Master could be a great potential for the Doctor as well, we add while winking at each other.

« You know, we could go to one of these conventions, in London... Annie says while smiling again. And we would cosplay as the Doctor and the Master...

• And you'd be the Master, I assume ? I add with a grin on my face.
• Of course, don't be silly. », she answers once she comes back from the kitchen where she just put the dishes to clean in the dishwasher. « I mean, we'd do the best Tenth Doctor and John Simm Master duo, am I right ?
• The Doctor and the Master... but genderbent... sounds really interesting, actually. », I make a pause as she sits next to me once again. « Anyways, do you want to watch some anime ? I have some that I found yesterday that I'd like to show you... well, I hope that you haven't already watched them and I don't remember it... »

I chuckle as I show her Attack On Titan, that she says we've already watched at the very least ten times overall during the last couple of years, and for a second, I feel a little bit stupid, but then, I remember that I have memory loss, and Annie doesn't mind watching it for the eleventh time, even when she feels like she could recitate every line ever. We finish our breakfast while the opening theme – and God, it's so catchy, now I get why this anime is so damn popular – goes on for one more time, and we feel like a bunch of children, during the holidays, doing what our parents would never allow us to do : stay in pyjamas all day while doing nothing productive.

Except that we're adults, we're not in holidays, and one day, we'll have to go back to work. Me here, and Annie in Detroit. Like it's always been since we left high-school.

I ask her, during a little break to take some soda, when she'll go back to work, and she briefly answers that she doesn't even know if she'll go back to her bank and normal daily routine. She ends up just saying that she doesn't even know if she's willing to go back to Detroit, after all that happened to us recently.

« I mean... I realised that, in the end, maybe I don't want to pressure myself in a job that I don't like... But at the same time, you know, I can't just quit a job without having a plan B to pay the bills...

• I get it. », I answer while bringing back lunch, a pizza I had ordered half an hour ago and which had just been delivered. « Want some pizza ?
• Yup ! », she answers, pausing the game and shifting towards me.

We take a little break to eat our meal, not even caring where our hands go, and we just eat right from the box, taking the little pieces one by one as I had cut them, and half an hour later, we're done, and we just throw the box in the garbage bin before washing our hands and going back to the living room, still in pyjamas.

« What are we going to do now ? I ask while looking around us for another distraction. Do you want to play some video-games ? There seems to be a big collection right there... »

I point at a box containing loads of disks, and bring it to Annie, so she can choose the game we're about to play. She ends up choosing Mario Kart, telling me it was one of our favourite games when we were children. Of course, this one is a modern version that she had bought me a couple of years ago, but I mean, it's the same game, right ? Just a race with Nintendo characters and awesome features that usually ruin all your friendships at once because of the level of competitiveness in this game.

Before we even know it, we've played all the roads, and two hours have gone down the clock. My parents, and I'm so glad for them, have gone back to work, so the apartment is only occupied by me and Annie, so we just enjoy our time spent together before she has to leave me, once again, which feels weird, because I still don't remember her being away from me, so it feels like she's leaving me for the very first time, and I kinda don't want her to go now.

Because she feels like a rock, anchoring me in the middle of this hurricane, keeping me grounded while I don't exactly where I am. She shows me things she likes, and that I used to like, too, and it feels like my life finally makes sense, because somehow, my taste hasn't change much since my accident. I don't know why, but it seems to make her happy, so I'm not gonna complain.

« Ha ! Got you ! » I say while I send her a blue shell, making me the lead of the current race. « What are you going to do about this, Thompson ?

• Why are you calling me Thompson ? she replies while tilting her head, concentrating on speeding up to catch up on me. Do you really believe it makes you menacing ? »

I'm gonna show you what's menacing, she adds while turning her head towards me, and what could change the current situation... She just plants a kiss on my cheek, making me lose my focus on the race as the speeds up one last time, winning the race.

« Ha ! Who got you there, huh, Miller ? Annie chuckles, as I start to laugh as well.

• Gotta admit my defeat on this one... but I want my revenge ! Let's do a battle this time ! Are you down with that ?
• If I can show you who's the best at this game, then of course I'm down with it ! »

We actually ended up on a draw, but we didn't seem to care. The day actually ended with us tickling each other on the couch, making each other laugh until our stomachs ached, and for the first time in ages, it seems, we are happy, blissfully unaware of what's happening, of what happened of what will happen in the future, because we're just living in the moment, and that is all that matters.

I don't know what happened next, as everything seemed to go so fast, but before I even know it, Annie's on top of me, smiling like a little pesky child, but at the same time, it feels like she knows what she's doing, and I'm not gonna be against it.

« Can I ? » she whispers, asking for my consent, which I promptly give anyways.

Because, in the end, isn't it what you wanted in the first place ?

She approaches slowly and leaves a peck on my lips, a peck that becomes a shower of pecks, and obviously I kiss back, because I like it, and I'm thinking, this is right, this is how our life was, how it should be, and I don't want it to end. Ever.

« Darlings ! We're back ! », my mom suddenly shouts while opening the door, coming in with my parents.

And before she even has the time to reach the living room, we've already shifted back to our previous positions, sitting next to each other, watching some crap on the television (it's a baking show I believe), and we don't talk about it. Not because we're ashamed or anything ; my parents know we've been dating for years and they fully accept it ; but maybe, we realised, we've been too quick on this one, and we should have probably waited for our feelings to come back to normal before doing it.

And still, I'm heavily craving for more.

Words : 2012 (Total : 17417).